Sunday in the Park with the Bears

Old Main Library of Cincinnati

Demolished in 1955.

Taking Out The Gay

A few months ago on cable television I saw Moneyball, the movie starring Brad Pitt about a baseball manager's quest to use facts and statistics, instead of instincts and reputation, to build a team. At the time I knew the movie was based on real events and I thought what a wonderful film, a great story and aren't Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill amazing.

It wasn't until after the movie was over and I was thinking about the main character and didn't I know that name from somewhere?  Billy Beane, Billy Beane; where had I heard that name before? And then I Googled it to be sure: He, famously, was one of the first professional athletes to come out as gay after he retired. Nothing of that is alluded to in the movie. In the film he's a single dad with a daughter on good terms with her mother.

The same is true of Robin William's character in Awakenings; the movie about a neurologist's experience with mentally ill patients experiencing moments of lucidity. The movie is based on Oliver Sack's book by the same name and chronicles his experience as a ground-breaking neurologist. While he writes candidly about his experience with love as a gay man in his new autobiography, in the movie he has no sexuality, straight or gay.

It strikes me as strange that nothing in the press, not even in the gay press, is mentioned about the neutered film portrayals of these unambiguously, famously gay men. This is strange considering the hue and cry that went up with Ron Howard's production of A Beautiful Mind starring Russell Crowe that reduced John Nash's bisexuality down to a passing glance.

The life of the 20th century's most famous bisexual, Howard Hughes, was similarly straightened in Marin Scorsese's The Aviator starring Leonardo DiCaprio, showing only one brief interaction with some effete men.

Awakenings and Moneyball both focus tightly on the main plot of the film, how the hero is trying to affect change, to improve the lives of his patients or the performance of his baseball team. And that would be fine except I can't think of one heterosexual character that was treated the same way.

Most biographical films include a wife or girlfriend or girlfriends to add a third dimension to the main character, to establish legitimacy and create empathy; she or he is interesting and good because these other people outside their work find them interesting and good. But in the case of Billy Beane, Oliver Sacks, and many other gay men and women, empathy and legitimacy are established by taking out their emotional life altogether and reducing their lives to two dimensions.

This not only is a disservice to these amazing people but robs gay people, and indeed all people, examples of smart, strong, driven, successful gay men and women who have made lasting contributions to our lives.

Read BrainPickings excellent review of Oliver Sack's On The Move here:

Moon Rise

Evening view from the top of the Copley-Family YMCA parking garage.

Quote:

“(Extreme entrepreneurs) fail in ways other people won't (and) they learn things other people don't.

  - Justine Musk

Fun with Snapseed

I'm liking black and white. It covers a multitude of sins.

Night Sky

According to my Sky Chart app this light in the sky:

... is Jupiter.

Morning Walk

Quote

Word of the Day

Hove;  past of heave.

“When the British had come up to the opposite side of the brestwork, having no gun, he picked up an empty barrel and flung it at them. Then finding an iron bar, he jumped up on the works and hove that at them.”

Library of America Story of the Week:  “Like a Sea of Blood”

Protests

   I can't condemn any of the protests in Ferguson, New York, or any where else. They have a legitimately grievous complaint and I don't know how I would react if my son or nephew or neighbor were killed in such a way.

   Just as every kid needs to respond to their parent's first request to avoid getting yelled at, we must respond to non-violent protests before anyone feels the need to escalate. The marchers at Selma were not violent. It was the fire hoses, dogs, and night sticks of law enforcement that were violent. We listened at first, but then we forgot. So now they're yelling.

   But beyond all of that; we, each of us, know in our heart what is right. We have a moral obligation to our God, to our selves, and to our fellow humans to proactively do what is right before any protests are necessary.

Quote:

“I did not have a good start in life, but I tell you what, I am determined that I'm going to have a good finish.” - Joyce Meyer

Quote:

 "A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed. It feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons." ~Richard Bach

Quote:

“Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who have proven that they are committed to misunderstanding you.”

 Marc and Angel Hack Life

Quote

“You can't think yourself into better behaving, but you can behave yourself into better thinking.”

Troy D. Davidson

“Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design into the present.”

“Do not fool yourself into believing that you must live the same day over and over again for the rest of your life, simply because it’s the responsible thing to do.

So many people live daily with unhappy circumstances, and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation. They somehow believe that conforming to their current circumstances will eventually lead to a life of comfort, security, and peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to their spirit.

 Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design into the present. The very basic core of the human spirit is a natural passion for exploration and growth. This growth originates directly from our encounters with new ideas and experiences that intrigue us; and hence there is no greater destination in life than to have an endlessly changing horizon – for each day to have a new and different sun.”

 Marc Chernoff

Quote:

“Unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes. It turns into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, shame.

We are, by nature, creative.”

Dr. Brene Brown

Quote: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Transcript:

 http://www.archives.gov/press/exhibits/dream-speech.pdf

Mostly Harmless by Douglas Adams
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Last weekend I traveled with Andreas and Randall to Seattle to Keith and Glen's wedding. Andreas' research showed that flying into Portland, renting a car and driving to Seattle to be significantly less expensive than flying direct. That worked well except we should have left Portland earlier. As it was we got on the road to Seattle about 3pm on a Friday afternoon, hitting rush hour traffic in both cities and turning a 120 mile trip into a 4 hour drive. But we got to walk around beautiful downtown Portland.

The weather was perfect the whole trip; sunny and warm, not too hot or humid. The wedding was in Gig Harbor on a rocky beach steps from Puget Sound with a lush forested island in the background. Both the grooms were beaming. All of their friends and family that were there were super nice people and fun to share the event with.

Did you ever see, possibly in high school science class, the short film clip of the bridge twisting in the wind and finally collapsing? The bridge they called Gallopin' Gertie? That's the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. Rebuilt it was known as Sturdy Gertie. A few years ago a second bridge was built right next to it so each bridge carried traffic in only one direction. Sturdy Gertie was closed for repairs so all traffic was routed over the new bridge, but going by it on the way from the SEA-TAC Holiday Inn Express to Gig Harbor I felt like I was shaking the hand of a celebrity. Here's a youtube video of the 1940 collapse of Gallopin' Gertie: http://youtu.be/j-zczJXSxnw

The drive back to Portland was much faster. We got through security quickly and had half an hour to kill before they began boarding our plane. On my way to look for bottled water to take on the plane I discovered a rather nice book store named Powell's. Apparently they have a huge store in downtown Portland which I didn't see. And it's a good thing, too, because if I had I wouldn't have seen anything else of the city. And that's were I picked up this used edition of Douglas Adams' Mostly Harmless; in a surprisingly nice bookstore near the gate in Portland's Airport.

View all my reviews

The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

My inner 12 year old loved this:
“She removed my empty plate, replaced it with a bowl containing a steaming slice of spotted dick with thick yellow custard drizzled all over it. I ate it with joy.”

My inner adult appreciated this:
“I do not miss childhood, but I miss the way I took pleasure in small things, even as greater things crumbled. I could not control the world I was in, could not walk away from things or people or moments that hurt, but I found joy in the things that made me happy.”

This book further solidifies Neil Gaiman as my favorite author. Though much too small, I enjoy his writing so much he could have held my attention for much longer, it is a complete story full of supernatural imagery and the pathos of an adult looking back on his childhood. Mr. Gaiman's writing most easily fits the category of supernatural horror. And though horrible things do happen there's always a hint of optimism so that I never dread what's going to happen next.

View all my reviews

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Miguel Ruiz
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Possibly the best spiritual self-help book I've read. Don Miguel Ruiz uses simple, direct, clear narrative to convey deeply spiritual concepts. The first agreement: “Be impeccable with your word” means not only speak plainly, say what you mean and mean what you say, but also don't use your words to tear down yourself or anyone else. The other three agreements stem from the first. The last two chapters tell how to get rid of old, negative agreements, adopt the new agreements, and create heaven on earth for yourself and those around you. I love that he talks about heaven and hell being experienced right here in this life. I've always felt heaven and hell were not remote places we go to after death but are this life, based on the choices we make. Don Miguel Ruiz gives voice to those concepts and a clear path on how to get there. Highly recommended.

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Happy Birthday to my Grandma who was born on this day in 1912. In 2010 she joined my Grandfather in the next life. The black and white photo is their wedding picture from 1930.

The Proud Tower

The Guns of August/The Proud Tower by Barbara W. Tuchman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This volume includes two books by Barbara Tuchman: The Guns of August and The Proud Tower. The first book; The Guns of August is a detailed account of World War I. The Proud Tower is an in depth look at all aspects of society leading up to WW1; social structures, economics, politics, socialism, anarchy in Britain, Europe, Russia, and the U.S. Consider the whole volume a chronicle of Western civilization right before and through Season 1 of Downtown Abbey.

I read The Proud Tower first since it concerns the time before WW1: 1890 - 1914. Do not be put off by detail heavy long paragraphs leading to longer chapters. Ms. Tuchman tells history as a story and tells each story in an easy to follow, chronological, cause and effect narration that relates detail effortlessly while giving the reader a sense of the big picture.

I especially enjoyed the part about the English aristocracy and how the same forces shaped and were changed in America. I also loved the detailed account of politics in the U.S. at that time. Reading about the machinations of the different parties in Congress and how they're not that different than today. They didn't have the filibuster but they had other rules and ways to block progress they didn't like. Unlike now there was a very strong Leader of the House who brilliantly made things happen despite the other parties obstructionism.

I didn't try to remember all of the names and dates. I just kept reading and the really important ones kept appearing making them easy to remember, and the dates fell easily into place due to the authors clear narration.

View all my reviews

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

 But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see
through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped
and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks
of another breeze
and the trade winds soft
through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting
on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands
on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts
on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped
and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

Maya Angelou

Quote: Dalai Lama

“We need to understand the inadequacy of an educational system so slanted towards material values. The solution is not to give an occasional lecture, but to integrate ethics into the educational curriculum. To do this effectively requires a secular ethics, free of religious influence, based on common sense, a realistic view and scientific findings.”

 Dalai Lamia

The Martian Child: A Novel About A Single Father Adopting A Son by David Gerrold
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I read this book after watching the film based on this book starring John Cusak and his sister Joan Cusak playing his sister in the story. The movie is a wonderful film I fell in love with instantly. The movie tells the story in a very straight forward, chronological format focusing on David's son's coping with his feeling of disconnect by believing he's from Mars. The book spends more time in David's head explaining his, David's, creative thought process and how he comes to understand his son. The plot is basically the same; most of the events in the movie are in the book, just not featured the same way. But they both are wonderful stories and both have equally rewarding endings.

View all my reviews

TED Talks: Adam Sadowsky engineers a viral music video

Life lessons plus OK Go!

TED Talk: The Power of Disconnection or Going Dune Blasting with Yoda

Make every day your first day.
Who're you letting live rent free in your head?
Why do you matter?
Only hurt people hurt others.
The most extraordinary people don't care about winning as much as they care about being successful.
 

Word of the Day: Interstitial

Interstitial; something in between, eg. interstitial music between segments, interstitial page between regular text, interstitial fluid or fiber between internal organs. Interstitial.

Quote: Abraham

“You are magnificent beings, in the perfect place at the perfect time, unfolding perfectly, never getting it done, and never getting it wrong. Be more playful about all of it. "Today, no matter where I'm going, no matter what I am doing, and no matter who I'm doing it with — it is my dominant intent to look for that which I'm wanting to see. I'm wanting to find thoughts and words and actions that feel good while I'm finding them. For in doing so, I am, in the moment, practicing the art of allowing all that I've been telling the Universe I'm wanting, for all of the days of my existence.”

 — Abraham

 It occurs to me that this is also what people who are their own worst enemies are doing. People who never had any love, safety, food, or positive role models in their life; who never learned how to be a force for good in their own life. They're also looking for that which they want to see. Looking for thoughts, words, and actions that feel good while looking for them, living in the moment, telling the universe who they are and what they want. And they're not going to look for anything different or tell the universe anything different until someone comes into their life in a way that they recognize and respect and shows them a different way.

Brene Brown: Shame and Vulerability

“When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.

Your raise can be on the table, your promotion can be on the table, your title can be on the table, your grades can be on the table. But keep your worthiness for love and belonging off the table. And then ironically everything else just takes care of itself.”

“Be brave and vulnerable.”

“You can’t raise children who have more shame resilience than you do. Because even if you don’t shame them, and even if you are actively trying to raise them feeling good about who they are, they’re never going to treat themselves better than you treat yourself. If you want to raise a daughter with a really healthy body image, you better love your body as a mother, because that counts way more than looking at your daughter and saying “You’re beautiful and your body is beautiful.” All that matters to her is how she sees you acting with your own body. We can’t give children what we don’t have. We have to be the adults we hope they grow up to be.”

“Connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”

“ Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, and of love.”

“Vulnerability is not weakness.”

“Vulnerability is emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It's our most accurate measurement of courage.”

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.”

We have to talk about shame.

Shame is an epidemic in our courage.

Quote: Theodore Roosevelt

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasm; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
— Theodore Roosevelt

The Psychology of Evil

He speaks really fast, but it's worthwhile to stay with him.

More about the talk by Mr. Zimbardo is at this link.

Quote: Don Miguel Ruiz

“(This) is why humans resist life. To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive—the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourself is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's point of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.”

Don Miguel Ruiz

The Four Agreements

Quote: Marc Chernoff

“Making money is pretty easy.  Attaining true wealth is not.  Most people have jobs and bring in an income.  What’s difficult is to earn it by doing something that makes a positive difference. 

Knowing deep down that you counted; that someone else’s life is not as rich without you in it —that’s priceless.  That’s something worth working for.”

  -  Marc Chernoff

Quote: Richard Branson

This isn't about equal rights on paper.

This isn't just about not getting fired or seeing our partner in the hospital or marriage or adoption.  This is about not getting our head bashed in to the pavement.

A witness at the scene with her two teenaged sisters says the violent actions of the officers involved left her younger siblings seriously traumatised. “They were crying while the police bashed the boy’s head into the cement,” she said. “It was horrible, disgusting behaviour.”

Another witness adds: “They picked him up by the throat and slammed him into the ground with his head hitting the ground that hard it sounded like a bowling ball hitting the ground,” she said. “This was while he was in handcuffs.”  - From the news site Same Same.

This video is quite violent. If you aren't disturbed by it have someone check you for a pulse.

Commit to 3

What happens when a neuroscientist gets to experience a stroke from the inside out.

“We have the power to chose moment by moment who and how we want to be in the world.”  -  Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor

Fixing Our Broken Systems

TED

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"Rules are like a road map that gets you to the right city, but not to the right street."
  -  Barry Schwartz

We depend on rules, guidelines, and laws to provide structure, order, and function, but too often these systems fail us. These TED speakers propose how to fix our broken systems by looking to trust and practical wisdom as ways to mend education, medicine, and the law. Plus, how games might be our best resources to solve real-world problems.

Listen to the full episode.

Note:  The last part on games is especially fun. It may make you think better of folks who spend so much time on online games. They may even have the key to our most challenging problems.

Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife by Eben Alexander
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

A well-written, intelligent, detailed account of a neurosurgeon's near death experience. Dr. Alexander goes further into his near death experience than other accounts I've heard and tells his tale in an easy-to-follow compelling way.

Reading this book moved me from "I believe in near death experiences but atheists my be right about the brain having a deep self-preservation response" to "yes, NDEs are absolutely real experiences." If I'm to expect everyone to believe and respect me when I tell them I'm gay; and I'm to believe and honor someone when they tell me they're transgender; then I'm compelled to believe Dr. Alexander when he tells me of his experience. Our experiences are most of who we are. Maya Angelou said, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."

I believe him.

View all my reviews

Different Perspective

It used to be that when a man got a woman pregnant the honorable thing for him to do was to marry her. But now, according to John McCain and Newt Gingrich, when a man cheats on his wife the honorable thing to do is to marry the mistress.

This American Life

487: Harper High School, Part One FEB 15, 2013 We spent five months at Harper High School in Chicago, where last year alone 29 current and recent students were shot. 29. We went to get a sense of what it means to live in the midst of all this gun violence, how teens and adults navigate a world of funerals and Homecoming dances. We found so many incredible and surprising stories, this show is a two-parter.

Listen to part one here.

487: Harper High School, Part Two FEB 22, 2013 We pick up where we left off last week in our second hour from Harper High School in Chicago. We find out if a shooting in the neighborhood will derail the school's Homecoming game and dance. We hear the origin story of one of Harper's gangs. And we ask a group of teenagers: where do you get your guns.

Listen to part two here.

Thought of the Day:

Self-fulfilling prophecies work both ways. Choose one that's positive.

Quote: Alice Walker

"Hard times require furious dancing. Each of us is proof."

  -  Alice Walker

Mt. Laguna

Friday Teresa and Lee and I piled into Lee's new Fiat 500 and drove east on the 8 to Sunset Highway to Mt. Laguna.  Mt. Laguna isn't one peak but a high ridge reaching up to 6000 feet.  Teresa and I hadn't been there before so Lee gave us a grand tour of the area's camping grounds, cabins, general store, view points, and different trails before parking at the head of the trail he thought we'd enjoy.

We only hiked for about 2 hours but we went through pine forest, a large meadow and pond, a creek, rocky outcrops, and great views across to other mountains.  The only sound was the song of the wind through the trees.  Pine trees in dry areas at high altitudes give off a particular, refreshing scent that brought back memories of visiting the Southwest one summer with my family as a seven or eight year old.



To see the slideshow full screen; click on it, then look for the Full Screen button in the upper left and press Play lower center. Mine say OLMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA. The rest were taken by Lee.

Great hikers Lee and Teresa.

Charlie's Angels

Sabrina, Jill, Kelly, and Charlie came over for a short stay while their house gets fumigated.  Katie quickly greeted her new friends.

Comma Cats

Quote: Ira Glass

Descanso Falls

 Friday at 10:00 Teresa and Lee parked by my house and we piled into my car.  We headed east on the 8 to the 67 to go north just a short way to Descanso.  It’s a small hamlet at 3500 feet at the southern tip of the Cuyamaca Rancho State Park.  The road winds around a couple miles to the trail head. 

There was already a pick-up truck with a horse trailer and a couple getting the horses ready for a ride when we parked in the shade of a large tree.  After taking pictures at the trail head we hiked the main trail for a short way up a steep incline and then took a smaller trail down to the spring fed falls.  

I took my boots and socks off to cool my feet, but the water was freezing.  I could only just dip my toes in for a few seconds.  But the cold water kept all of the rocks around it cool and we had a nice time snacking on munchies and talking until we were ready to head back.

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*Thank you Lee Bowman for sharing your photos.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

Timelapse Photography: Yosemite

Yosemite HD from Project Yosemite on Vimeo.

Quote:

It is important that when pursuing our own self-interest we should be “wise selfish” and not “foolish selfish”. Being foolish selfish means pursuing our own interests in a narrow, shortsighted way. Being wise selfish means taking a broader view and recognizing that our own long-term individual interest lies in the welfare of everyone. Being wise selfish means being compassionate.

  -  Dalai Lama

Quote:

The only person we really ever compete against is who we were yesterday.

 “Family isn’t always blood.  It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are.  The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.”

 - Unknown

Piano Lessons 5

After many years and several different teachers I was assigned to a teacher that was new to the program but not new to teaching music. She had a great ear and a dynamic, encouraging teaching style.  She paid attention more than anyone else every had.  I was very excited.  Working with her would be tough but rewarding.

After a couple weeks I was told that she had decided not to join the program but would teach on her own out of her home.  Years of useless attempts at interactive communication at home had taught me that the answer to every question was “no.”.  Finally, my junior year of high school I walked out of Illinois Wesleyan University’s Music Building and their Piano Pedagogy Department.

At college I met many people my age who could play much more difficult music than I ever tried and would sound better at the first sitting than I would after months of teaching my fingers where to go.  Sometime after college I found out from my mother that she always wanted me to be able to just sit down at the piano and have fun with it; to play like my grandmother played.  My grandmother had a whole notebook full of popular songs going back to the ’30s and would pound them out during holiday get togethers while my aunts sang along.

All those years of classical piano lessons, all those hours of practicing, all that frustration at no support and no way out, all those other things I didn't get to do and none of it was for me.  It didn't raise my mother's esteem for me.  She did not respect me any more for it.  It was just to fulfill her desire to be like her mother that she couldn’t do for herself.

I haven't touched a piano in decades.

Marc Chagall

“When I am finishing a picture I hold some God-made object up to it—a rock, a flower, the branch of a tree or my hand—as a kind of final test. If the painting stands up beside a thing man cannot make, the painting is authentic. If there's a clash between the two, it is bad art.”

 - Marc Chagall

Invisible

My oldest brother, Steve, is 6 years older than I am.  We look like brothers but no one has ever mistaken one of us for the other.  Starting in 7th grade, after every public appearance, my mother would say to me, “You sure looked like Steve up there.” She said this seriously as if I was to take it as a great compliment.  Even though I respected my older brother, it seemed like a non sequitur from the beginning. 

She was completely consistent, saying it after every junior high band concert, Boy Scout awards ceremony, high school marching band performance, concert band performance, piano recital, summer band camp concert, Honor Society ceremony, high school graduation; “You sure looked like Steve up there.”

University of Illinois Marching Band members are given two free season tickets each year to give to their parents.  My parents were long since divorced but I was able to just give them the tickets and they would hand them off between themselves. 

The seats weren’t great.  They were in a corner of the lower deck, far from the action and not up high enough to see very well.  When I was in it, the Marching Illini was 300 strong; almost all wearing the same uniform and brass instruments covered our faces.  After the first game my freshman year; “You sure looked like Steve out there.”

Piano Lessons 4

My teacher recommended me for a special program that was an evaluated performance in front of a judge.  If you received high marks for 10 years in a row you won a college scholarship.  The first year went ok.  The 2nd year I planned to play a challenging Chopin piece. I could play the piece just fine.  I had the technical ability and the musicality.  Chopin is known for having had large hands and wrote music that requires more than an octave reach.  My hands don't seem large but my fingers are long and I could reach all the notes.

But the level of concentration required to memorize the order of the themes and repeats could not be achieved at home and I floundered on stage.  After the director walked up and let me know I had gone over the allowed time I met my mother at the back of the auditorium and we walked home. She mentioned several times how embarrassed she was while I was fumbling at the keyboard.  She found the whole experience very embarrassing. How I felt? She never asked.

Fatherly Advice

I don't know how my brothers learned the facts of life, but I do remember that when the time came my father ignored his usual Depression Era spending plan and gave my older brothers really nice electric shavers.  I waited as long as I could but finally had to teach myself to shave using my mother's leg razor.  That summer at Boy Scout Camp one of the Scoutmasters had a disposable razor and encouraged me to use it.

Not to completely abandon his duties, a couple years later my father said to me, “You know, you're getting to the age where you need to start trimming your nose hairs.”

Gretal

Piano Lessons 3

Each spring the piano pedagogy department gave a recital in the university's nicest music auditorium.  Each student would walk across the stage, play their best piece on the music department's best concert grand, bow, and walk off.

There was a whole system:  All of the kids sat in one section by the stage door.  While one student was playing one would be waiting backstage for their turn to walk out and one would be waiting in their seat for their turn to walk back stage.

One year early in my career my grandmother came down for the spring recital.  Her first name was Mildred.  After the program she and my mother and father were standing around her car talking before she headed back home.  While talking my father called her “Millie.”  Even at that young age, and despite my mother’s and grandmother’s grace at not acknowledging the insult, I could tell that it wasn't right for him to call her by that name.

Several years later, at home after the recital, I picked up my father’s printed program.  He had written a one word review of each of the performers.  Several of the 16 and 17 year old girls were “sexy.”  I was “average.”

Piano Lessons 2

My piano teacher, usually frustrated that I hadn't practiced much, was ecstatic one week when the lesson went really well and said that if I practiced like that every week I'd be the best student in their program.  At home my father didn't have anything to do with me.  He was dismayed that one of his sons, already not the butchest boy on the block, was continuing to take piano lessons.  One of my brothers was openly hostile and my mother considered getting the lessons paid for completed her part and expected me to do the rest.  In the passive-aggressive logic of the Midwest she didn't like it any more than my father did that she had a not-butch son taking piano lessons, but made a great show of disappointment whenever I hinted at possibly doing something else.  

I knew I wasn't the butchest kid on the block because one day the kid next door (we were friends, but not great friends; mostly we were somebody to do stuff outside with for each other) said that the previous evening, while they were all watching television, his father had said that I was a pansy.  He did not say this in a mean or taunting way, just matter-of-factly his father had said that I was a pansy.

Piano Lessons 1

Just as some mothers are determined that one of their sons will grow up to be a priest, my mother was determined that one of her sons would learn to play the piano.  She was able to harass my father into the expense despite his preferred spending plan of acting like it was the Depression, and his complete failure to understand why anyone would need anything that he did not. 

So one summer my two older brothers took piano lessons from this nice lady who had a cute house with a steep gable over the front door.  They, wisely, were horrible at it; trying to learn their pieces at the last minute just before the final recital, one of my brothers breaking out in tears, my father looking on proudly, my mother, not too disappointed, realized this wasn't going to work.

A couple years later I started piano lessons with Mrs. Schafer who had a piano studio in her finished basement.  Stupidly, I showed some aptitude for it; learning how to read music and the key signatures and the scales fairly quickly.  After a year her husband got a job out of town and I started taking lessons at the university two blocks away.

Quote: Isaac Asimov

“Knowledge is indivisible. When people grow wise in one direction, they are sure to make it easier for themselves to grow wise in other directions as well. On the other hand, when they split up knowledge, concentrate on their own field, and scorn and ignore other fields, they grow less wise—even in their own field.”

Apology

In that letter where my father said he didn't think Mom “would do that” he went on to blame everything that went wrong with our family on our mother.  He didn't mention that, as undisputed head of the household in all things, a role he insisted was his, he might be at least partly at fault. 

In the letter my father justified his blamelessness on being a workaholic and a man of the church, spending time at meetings and classes.  He didn't mention time spent pursuing other women.  One year he took another woman to his office Christmas party.  Another time he had a vasectomy without telling my mother, but she connected the dots of how he was acting when he called in sick to work.

Also in that letter my father expressed his regret at not being around more when I “made my decision.”  My father was a very intelligent man.  It's too bad that he put his intelligence into learning conspiracy theories instead of learning to respect his intelligent son.  After not talking for 2 years he cornered me at my Aunt's funeral, told me I looked sunburnt and skinny and proceeded to expound on the latest theory that being a gay man equaled having AIDS.  I was tan and fit in a room full of pastey, fat people destined to die of heart disease, starting with him.  Seven years later my uncle found him in his apartment.

Tattletale

When I was little my father would spend most evenings working late and leaving my mother to single-handedly manage 3 young, rambunctious boys by herself.  That's not redundant:  I mean single-handedly literally.  She survived polio at the age of 2 but was left with little use of her left arm.

My mother would send me to my father's office to keep him company.  Then she wasn't bothered by my walking nearly a mile across town in the dark by myself.  But one year after the YMCA Halloween Party I watched all of the other kids get picked up by their parents, waited a while longer, then decided walking home alone was better than sitting on a downtown street corner alone.  This was a walk I'd made dozens of times after swim lessons. But this time she was furious that I had set off in the dark by myself.  When she got home she screamed at me and got out the belt.

Those evenings when I got to my father's office he'd let me play on the office machines.  I especially remember the large adding machine with all of the numbers lined up down the front of it and a big handle to pull to make it do the calculation.  One time when I got there the office was dark and the door was locked so I just walked back home.