The Queen and Her Great-grandchildren on Her 90th Birthday

Photo by Annie Liebovitz.

Sunset

We Are Born in Truth

“We are born in truth, but we grow up believing in lies. One of the biggest lies in the story of humanity is the lie of our imperfection.” — don Miguel Ruiz

Always Do Your Best

Confidence

Who Stays

Growth

Go with the one that scares you the most: that's the one that'll help you grow.

Luck

Love Is

Procrastination

Procrastinators are less compassionate toward themselves.

For many people, a little procrastination isn't harmful — like 15 minutes lost in Facebook or putting off doing the laundry for a few days.

But then there are things like taxes. And all the people who keep meaning to start saving for retirement, but never do. And people with obesity or diabetes who constantly tell themselves, "I'll start eating right tomorrow" — but never do. For some people, procrastination creates huge problems at work, at school, and at home.

Roughly 5 percent of the population has such a problem with chronic procrastination that it seriously affects their lives.

None of it seems logical. How can people have such good intentions and yet be so totally unable to follow through?

Conventional wisdom has long suggested that procrastination is all about poor time management and willpower. But more recently, psychologists have been discovering that it may have more to do with how our brains and emotions work.

"Procrastinators are less compassionate toward themselves"

Procrastination, they've realized, appears to be a coping mechanism. When people procrastinate, they're avoiding emotionally unpleasant tasks and instead doing something that provides a temporary mood boost. The procrastination itself then causes shame and guilt — which in turn leads people to procrastinate even further, creating a vicious cycle.

But getting a better understanding of why our brains are so prone to procrastination might let us find new strategies to avoid it. For example, psychologist Tim Pychyl has co-authored a paper showing that students who forgave themselves for procrastinating on a previous exam were actually less likely to procrastinate on their next test. He and others have also found that people prone to procrastination are, overall, less compassionate toward themselves — an insight that points to ways to help.

Pychyl, a professor at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada, has been studying procrastinators for some 19 years. I talked to him about why people procrastinate and how they can learn to stop.

Susannah Locke: What are the biggest misconceptions about procrastination?

Tim Pychyl: When a procrastinator thinks about themselves, they’ll think, "Oh, I have a time management problem," or, "I just can’t make myself do it. There’s a problem with my willpower." And when other people think about procrastinators, they use that pejorative term: "They’re lazy."

""Psychologists see procrastination as a misplaced coping mechanism""

But psychologists see procrastination as a misplaced coping mechanism, as an emotion-focused coping strategy. [People who procrastinate are] using avoidance to cope with emotions, and many of them are unconscious emotions. So we see it as giving in to feel good. And it’s related to a lack of self-regulation skills.

I can simplify that and say that psychologists recognize we all have a 6-year-old running the ship. And the 6-year-old is saying, "I don't want to! I don't feel like it!"

SL: What are you discovering about how procrastinators' brains work?

TP: Recently we’ve been doing research that relates to the work on "present self"/"future self" because what’s happening with procrastination is that "present self" is always trumping "future self."

Hal Hershfield has done some really great research on looking at how we think about "future self." He’s shown that in experimental settings if someone sees their own picture digitally aged, they’re more likely to allocate funds to retirement. When [the researchers] did the fMRI studies, they found our brain processes present self and future self differently. We think of future self more like a stranger.

""If someone sees their own picture digitally aged, they’re more likely to allocate funds to retirement""

My graduate student Eve-Marie Blouin-Hudon just did three studies, and what she looked at is our ability to imagine the future self. She measured people’s self-continuity. You’d see circles representing present self and future self and choose how much to overlap them. Some people see these selves as completely distinct, and some people see them totally overlapping. The people who see the present and future self as more overlapping have more self-continuity and report less procrastination.

She’s doing a study right now using an imagery intervention. So she’s going to have students think of an image of themselves at the end of the term. And the hypothesis is that those students who engage with this imagery of future self will then procrastinate less. We [think] that people will make less procrastinatory choices now because they’ll realize that "It’s me in the future we’re talking about here. I’m going to be under the gun."

SL: What's the most surprising thing to you about procrastination?

TP: I think the most surprising thing I’m still grappling with is that for many people, the experience of procrastination doesn’t match the definition that most of us are working with: a voluntary delay of an intended action despite knowing you’re going to be worse off for the delay.

If you speak to people, they’ll tell you that it doesn’t feel voluntary: "I feel like I have no control over it." For some people, it feels totally involuntary, like they can’t help themselves.

SL: What's your one biggest tip for stopping procrastination?

TP: One of my pet expressions is, "Just get started." And it’s important you don’t say, "Just do it" — that’s overwhelming. But just get started.

Whenever we face a task, we’re not going to feel like doing it. Somehow adults believe that their motivational state has to match the task at hand. We say, "I’m not in the mood."

Our motivational state rarely matches the task at hand, so we always have to use self-regulation skills to bring our focus to it. So at first it will be, "Okay, I recognize that I don’t feel like it, but I’m just gonna get started."

SL: What's the evidence that just beginning a task, even in a very small way, makes it easier to follow through?

TP: We know from psychological research by [Andrew] Elliot and others that progress on our goals feeds our well-being. So the most important thing you can do is bootstrap a little progress. Get a little progress, and that’s going to fuel your well-being and your motivation.

Back in the 1990s, I put pagers on students and paged them [eight times a day for five days before an academic deadline]. And when they finally started working on the project, empirically we found that they didn’t see it as as difficult or as stressful as earlier in the week.

So their perceptions of the task changed. There’s lots of reasons to think that that’s what happens to us when we get started.

SL: But what about getting distracted?

TP: [Peter] Gollwitzer and his colleagues for years have shown us that implementation intentions make a huge difference to even deal with things like distractions.

Implementation intentions take the form of "If, then." "If the phone rings, then I’m not going to answer it." "If my friends call me to say we’re going out, I’m going to say no." So you’ve already made this pre-commitment.

You can use implementation intentions to keep yourself focused: "If I’ve finished this part of the article, then I’m going to immediately turn my attention to reading the next part."

SL: Can people really overcome procrastination?

TP: I guess I’m a living case. When I was an undergraduate, I procrastinated a lot. And now that I understand procrastination, I just have no room to wiggle.

Because it’s all about self-deception — you aren’t aware that it’s going to cost you, but you are. When there’s no more self-deception and you face yourself, you either shit or get off the pot. You’re either going to do it, or you’re not going to do it.

""I guess I’m a living case""

I really like my life, and I like to make time for the things that are important to me. [Robert] Pozen, who’s written a book on extreme productivity, has the OHIO rule: only handle it once. And I’m like that with email. I look at that email and say, "I can reply to it now, or I can throw it out," but there’s not much of a middle ground. I’m not going to save it for a while.

And so if I can deal with it in two minutes — this is David Allen’s work —  I deal with it.

I used to procrastinate, and now I don't, because I got all these wicked strategies. And it’s every level: some of it’s behavioral, some of it’s emotional, some of it’s cognitive. And now my biggest challenge is how do I teach my kids this? That’s really hard.

This interview has been lightly edited for clarity and condensed for length. It was originally published on December 8, 2014.
Further reading:

    Pychyl's book from 2013: Solving the Procrastination Puzzle: A Concise Guide to Strategies for Change
    "Why wait? The science behind procrastination," a review of the contemporary research by Eric Jaffe

Why your brain loves procrastination.

Celebrate Who You Are

I love the purple in this image as much as the quote.

The Conciergerie, Paris

Photo by Caitlin Zullo.

Sasha

Photo by my friend Lisa of her dog Sasha. Edited by me in Snapseed.

Vintage Bodybuilders

God Grant Me ...

The Seven Sisters

The Seven Sisters, a series of pristine white chalk cliffs, rise to about 200 feet above the English Channel on the East Sussex coast.

Mistakes

“Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life?

“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.”

Paulo Coelho - Eleven Minutes

Truth

Still Life on Watercolor

by Tan Lie Cieng

Petrichor

Be You

1,500 year old Angel Oak tree in South Carolina.

Chateau de Gudanes

Cheetahs

Portland Japanese Garden

Photo by Josh Dagenais.

A Farewell to Arms

..."(the world) breaks everyone, (and those) it does not break it kills.”
   “It kills the very good and very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”
- Earnest Hemingway
  A Farewell to Arms
  Alternate Ending No. 34

Hemingway's Alternate Endings to 'A Farewell to Arms' Are Now on Display

God is Awake

A Drop of Water

To gaze upon a drop of water is to behold the nature of all the waters of the universe. ~ Huang Po

Perfection

“Let go of your fantasy of perfection.”

“Perfection is the death of all good things, perfection is the death of pleasure, it’s the death of productivity, it’s the death of efficiency, it’s the death of joy. Perfection is just a bludgeon that goes around murdering everything good. Somebody once said I was disingenuous for saying this, because surely I try to make my work as good as it can be. And that’s absolutely true — but there’s a really big difference between “as good as it can be” and perfection.”

Fear is boring, and other tips for living a creative life

Dance

The Meaning of Life

Thinker

Pay Attention

Good Enough?

Religious Based Bigotry

   Today, I came across this article in Instinct magazine about a pop star “not agreeing with” the LGBT lifestyle because she “wasn't raised that way.” Instead of rolling my eyes and letting it go, it stuck with me and I started forming this  reply in my head:

   When my Mother said, "the blacks are taking over the town" and "we'd go to that park except the blacks are there" and "Grandma's hearing aid was stolen. One of the nurses is black" I didn't buy into it. I didn't think less of any of the people she was talking about. I thought she's judging people she knows nothing about. She's refusing to look at her own prejudices and I don't want to be like that. I looked at how I was raised, evaluated what influences were present, and decided what I want to carry with me into the future.

    When I tell someone I'm gay and I was made that way by my Creator I expect them to believe me. Maya Angelou said, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."

    Knowing what it's like to be called a liar and judged arbitrarily for being gay by someone who doesn't know me, I decided I don't want to make the same mistake. So when someone tells me what it's like to be black in America and that white people are largely the cause of it, I believe them.

    And that has nothing to do with how I was raised.

My friend Beverly added this very thoughtful comment:

   While there have been change and enlightenment, unfortunately, LaPorsha's POV is too common amongst Black Americans. And, possibly, she's more "liberal" than most. And the holding on to these regressive ideas about homosexuality are harming the Black American community in very real ways. This inability to acknowledge the reality of homosexuality as an authentic, inseparable self that deserves understanding and respect is fueling the HIV/AIDS epidemic amongst all Black Americans (gay, straight, or other).

   Living on the down low out if fear and ignorance is killing the community body and soul.

   

Walk on the Beach

Phenomenal Woman

"Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me." - Maya Angelou

Be Kind

Life is a Blessing

Budapest Theater, Hungary

Snow in Pennsylvania

Photo by Maria Ria Zullo.

Sunrise

by Brett Beal.

Dance

King Douglas Photography

Not This

Dear Ones -

Most of us, at some point in our lives (unless we have done everything perfectly...which is: nobody) will have to face a terrible moment in which we realize that we have somehow ended up in the wrong place — or at least, in a very bad place.

Maybe we will have to admit that we are in the wrong job. Or the wrong relationship. With the wrong people around us. Living in the wrong neighborhood. Acting out on the wrong behaviors. Using the wrong substances. Pretending to believe things that we no longer believe.  Pretending to be something we were never meant to be.

This moment of realization is seldom fun. In fact, it's usually terrifying.

I call this moment of realization: NOT THIS.

Because sometimes that's all you know, at such a moment.

All you know is: NOT THIS.

Sometimes that's all you CAN know.

All you know is that some deep life force within you is saying, NOT THIS, and it won't be silenced.

Your body is saying: "NOT THIS."

Your heart is saying: "NOT THIS."

Your soul is saying: "NOT THIS."

But your brain can't bring itself to say "NOT THIS", because that would cause a serious problem. The problem is: You don't have a Plan B in place. This is the only life you have. This is the only job you have. This is the only spouse you have. This is the only house you have. Your brain says, "It may not be great, but we have to put up with it, because there are no other options." You're not sure how you got here — to this place of THIS — but you sure as hell don't know how to get out...

So your brain says: "WE NEED TO KEEP PUTTING UP WITH THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WE HAVE."

But still, beating like a quiet drum, your body and your heart and your soul keep saying: NOT THIS...NOT THIS...NOT THIS.

I think some of the bravest people I have ever met were people who had the courage to say the words, "NOT THIS" outloud — even before they had an alternative plan.

People who walked out of bad situations without knowing if there was a better situation on the horizon.

People who looked at the life they were in, and they said, "I don't know what my life is supposed to be...but it's NOT THIS." And then they just...left.

I think my friend who walked out of a marriage after less than a year, and had to move back in with her mother (back into her childhood bedroom), and face the condemnation of the entire community while she slowly created a new life for herself. Everyone said, "If he's not good enough for you, who will be?" She didn't know. She didn't know anything about what her life would look like now. But it started with her saying: NOT THIS.

I think of my friend who took her three young children away from a toxic marriage, despite that fact that her husband supported her and the kids financially...and the four of them (this woman and her three children) all slept in one bed together in a tiny studio apartment for a few years, while she struggled to build a new life. She was poor, she was scared, she was alone. But she had to listen to the voices within her that said, NOT THIS.

I think of friends who walked out of jobs — with no job waiting for them. Because they said NOT THIS.

I think of friends who quit school, rather than keep pretending that they cared about this field of study anymore. And yes, they lost the scholarship. And yes, they ended up working at a fast food restaurant, while everyone else was getting degrees. And yes, it took them a while to figure out where to go next. But there was a relief at last in just surrendering to the holy, non-negotiable truth of NOT THIS.

I think of friends who bravely walked into AA meetings and just fell apart in front of a room full of total strangers, and said, NOT THIS.

I think of a friend who pulled her children out of Sunday School in the middle of church one Sunday because she'd had it with the judgment and self-righteousness of this particular church. Yes, it was her community. Yes, it was her tribe. But she physically couldn't be in that building anymore without feeling that she would explode. She didn't know where she was going, spiritually or within her community, but she said, NOT THIS. And walked out.

Rationally, it's crazy to abandon a perfectly good life (or at least a familiar life) in order to jump into a mystery. No sane person would advise you to make such a leap, with no Plan B in place. We are supposed to be careful. We are supposed to be prudent.

And yet....

And yet.

If you keep ignoring the voices within you that say NOT THIS, just because you don't know what to do, instead...you may end up stuck in NOT THIS forever.

You don't need to know where you are going to admit that where you are standing right now is wrong.

The bravest thing to say can be these two words.

What comes next?

I don't know. You don't know. Nobody knows. It might be worse. It might be better. But whatever it is...?  It's NOT THIS.

ONWARD,
LG

Beach

Photo by Marisa Franco.

Clouds

Photo by Dirk Gonthier.

Sunset

Photo by Andrew Steuer.

The Color Purple

Photo by Markus Disler.

Hyacinth

Photo by Mio Romanic.

Autumn

Photo by Paul Sprague.

Reflection

Photo by Jae Youn Ryu

Help Each Other

Curiosity

Curiosity is the truth and the way of creative living.

" Whenever you’re told to “follow your passion,” it can be very intimidating, and it can be very confusing, because sometimes passion isn’t very clear, sometimes passions burn hot and then burn out, sometimes your passion changes, sometimes on a very sad Tuesday morning when you didn’t sleep well, the idea of passion just feels so out of reach that you can’t even imagine ever accessing it. And yet curiosity is this faithful, steadfast, friendly and accessible energy that is never far out of reach. There’s never a day where you couldn’t dredge up some tiny little fragment of interest in something in the world, no matter how modest it may seem, no matter how humble, no matter how much it might seem to be unconnected to anything else that you’re doing, no matter how random. Passion demands full commitment out of you. You’ve got to get divorced, and shave your head, and change your name, and move to Nepal and start an orphanage. And maybe you don’t need to do that this week. But curiosity doesn’t take anything from you. Curiosity just gives, and all it gives you are clues, just a beautiful thread, a tiny little clue from the scavenger hunt that you’re unique here in life."  -  Elizabeth Gilbert

Fear is boring, and other tips for living a creative life

Tulips

At Mama's Kitchen this morning.